Epic Loon

Story

My name is Joey Ernie 'Chips' Douglas, but my friends just call me Joe. I'm what you might call a cinephile. I know the classics like the back of my hand, I'm a real VHS expert: science fiction, fantasy, comedies, thrillers and horror, nothing escapes me. I have the biggest... VHS collection in all of Wyoming. I'm pretty proud of that. I record every program that's on cable day and night, so much so that my grandma calls me "The Cable Guy". All was well in my life until that night in August 1994. It was a Thursday, I think. I was just finishing watching the excellent movie "Space Vampires Versus Zombie Dinosaurs in Color" for the third time that afternoon and jotting down the best quotes in my diary when my VCR, a reliable and sturdy JVCC BP-5000, gave up the ghost out of the blue. The picture went off and on, the sound was disgusting and there were glitches everywhere. I knew I had to do something about it, and fast. I only knew one person who could help me at this time of night: Mr. Wing, the old, shady Chinese owner of the hardware store on the corner. That's when my problems really started. He saw the panic and fear in my eyes and finally sold me a VCR cleaning cassette. It wasn't that easy and required me to make sure I followed a few rules on how to use it beforehand. What a strange thing, the VCR cleaner. It came with a thick instruction manual in a strange language I didn't understand: some kind of Dutch or something. In it was a list of important precautions to take, such as never exposing the VCR to sunlight, never getting it wet and never putting it in the VCR after midnight. I was under the impression that I had bought a Mogwai. What a load of garbage. The guy must be getting senile... But I should have listened to him, I should have heeded his warnings. Because now I'm in deep shit. Ever since I put that damn VHS in my JVCC, it looks like a bunch of stupid aliens have taken control of it. I'm having a hard time believing that and convincing myself that I haven't gone completely insane.... I don't know where this cleaning cassette came from, and there's no way to contact the old Chinese man, he seems to have disappeared. I'm afraid to talk to anyone about it. The police? They don't know anything. My grandma? She has a weak heart. The FBI? I have too many illegal recordings at home... In the meantime, until I find a solution, I'm doomed to spend my days with them. Fortunately, they don't seem to be too malicious.... Quite annoying, but certainly not evil. They spend their time ruining my favorite movies. I've thought about it, and the only hope I have left is to find THE VHS that reduces them to nothing. A monster movie, a disaster movie, something dangerous. I have no other choice.